I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until my adult years, but I can say it was huge part of me growing up. I skipped school often because I could not sit in a classroom and “pay attention” to the lesson at hand. My mind would be in a million different places. I was lucky enough that I heard enough to pass each class. When I skipped, I would sleep to stop thinking because that was the only way I could cope. The Winters were even worse, and I was told I had the “Winter blues” and given high doses of Vitamin D and even told that tanning could help, so I started doing that at 17. I go regularly starting late Fall until the Springtime to this day.
When I joined the Marines, it was the best thing for my mind. The ability to think was taken away from me. I was told where to be, what to do, how to do it, and that worked. When it wasn’t working, I drank to deal with any racing thoughts. I was medically discharged from the Marines and between the ADHD, depression, and PTSD I was a wreck. I had no idea what to do, where to go, or how to function on a daily basis. Drinking was my solution to forget about that and even though I maintained employment, they were only done to make money because even as successful as I was in the job, I was not really happy and always searching for a better one.
There are times that I really don’t feel comfortable in this world and functioning in it seems impossible. I used to find comfort in volunteering and then I started doing more and more of it to the point now where it’s overwhelming. I have met some great people, but only one that allowed me to slow down enough to enjoy life. When I met MMV, I never thought it would develop into anything, in fact, for the first few months I resisted as much as possible to keep feelings out of the friendship we were building. After a little over two years together, she was honestly the first woman I loved with all of me. With this came a sense of calm I have never felt in my life. The mind racing was tamed, the depression wasn’t overwhelming and the PTSD flare-ups were rare.
There are back stories to everything and with her, they were significant. I could tell that she was afraid of her feelings for me after I actually spoke the words “I love you” and soon after she went silent. It took me a while to process and, in that time, I broke! I am not proud of how I reacted and those actions built a huge wall between us. It took her nine months to really talk to me face-to-face and I could see it was hard for her to confide in me like she had done so much in our time together. In a way, I think I broke her with my need for reassurance.
I know what we had was more than just a relationship; it was a bond and I truly believe that we can get through this. I am willing to wait as long as it takes for us to work on forgiveness, healing, and rebuilding that. Until then, my ADHD, depression, and PTSD have been more intense than ever. I often sit and think which of them is worse. Then I think if they are interrelated and as one heightens, the other react in unison. I do know that I am tired and no matter what I do nothing is helping ease them.
As we end Suicide Prevention Awareness month, I have posted daily about mental health on social media to let people know they aren’t alone in their struggles and iconically, I still feel alone in this journey so here I write about it. October, I hope to remind myself to journal more about gratitude while also addressing my mental health. I know my therapist has often encouraged it; I am willing to try anything at this and quite honestly, I want to be mentally strong enough to be there when MMV does decide she is ready to talk. She doesn’t deserve someone that she has to “nurse” back to health.
