Every day feels like an adventure when you never know which one is going to win the battle—and how much of your day it will consume.
This has been the hardest year I can remember. Anxiety, ADHD, depression, and PTS have each taken turns becoming the loudest voice in my head, sometimes all at once. There are days when simply functioning feels like an accomplishment. And as much as I may try to appear okay, the happiness people see from the outside can sometimes be nothing more than a carefully constructed illusion.
I’ve found myself pulling away from many of the things that normally bring me purpose and connection. This year, I’ve attended maybe half of the RWB events I normally would. I’m incredibly grateful for the Eagles and the people who have continued to show up, because the events I have attended or hosted have reminded me that there is still something meaningful waiting for me when I can push through the noise.
Even the things I normally enjoy have become difficult.
At concerts I’ve attended or volunteered at, I’ve often found myself leaving early—not because I didn’t want to be there, but because I simply didn’t have anything left to give. Even the gym, which has always been a place where I could escape for a while, has changed. Instead of being surrounded by people and enjoying the energy, I find myself isolating in a corner, rushing through my workout, and thinking about getting home as quickly as possible.
That’s the part people don’t always see; Sometimes the battle isn’t visible. Sometimes showing up is the victory. Sometimes getting through the day takes everything you have, even when everyone around you assumes you’re doing just fine.
I’m sharing this not for sympathy, but for understanding. I’m learning that being honest about where I am is better than pretending I’m somewhere I’m not.
I don’t know which one will win the battle each day—anxiety, ADHD, depression, or PTS. But I do know that I’m still here, still trying, and still looking for the days when simply existing doesn’t feel like such a fight.
And maybe, for now, that has to be enough. The previous two years, I had zero issues! I was the happiest I had been in my entire adult life. It’s incredible how quickly things can change.
