I know my public posts are sporadic on here; I never really know what I should leave as public and what is just for me. Today is one of those posts. After much thought and conversations with acquaintances over the past couple of months, relationship woes seem to be very common, so someone might understand this.
I remember many years ago writing a piece on everybody leaves. It covered my thoughts on family, friends, and pretty much everything in life being temporary. I guess you could say I was jaded in my life experiences and it caused me to build that metaphorical wall that just kept everyone from getting too close. It worked well, my life was very content, and I had always felt that some just aren’t meant for love to be a part of their life.
Then came MMV! It started out as support; the only intent was to be the friend that she very much needed. We hung out regularly and enjoyed each other’s company. So much, that feelings emerged, and I felt like a new person was born inside of me. I had forgotten about guarding my wall and she broke through. For the first time, I told someone I love them.
I have had little experience with relationships and even less with love. I was lost in so many ways but enjoying every minute. I looked forward to her random texts, empowering social media posts, and nearly daily visits where I had dinner waiting for her. The wall fell and the only thing left was a foundation of whatever we wanted to be built on it.
Then she had a major change and with that, things changed. Instead of understanding, I started questioning myself and our relationship. The old guarded me started fighting with the new me. Telling me I should never have let the wall fall. I should have never let her in, and I will never recover from this. As time went on, the old me was getting louder and stronger.
The new me knew in his heart that there was a future, she loved me, and once she sorted what she needed to out we could return to what we had. Until recently, old and new spiraled in my head only to be described as a scene from the Tasmanian Devil in the cartoons. The new me lost and the old dragged MMV into my hell.
It was over in a few short text messages, but powerful. I had hurt her, nearly killed my new me and left me wondering if she will ever be able to forgive me. As the new me sits here, remorseful, trying to rebound using one of the best methods I know, journaling.
I have come up with this analogy. MMV and I have been on this amazing road trip. There have been some U-turns, we got lost and hit some bumps, but it’s been amazing. Right now, we just stopped the car, got out, and walked away. I just hope that we both get back to the car before it runs out of gas so we can get back on our journey together.
I guess time will tell. If there is anything I know, our love is real and I am hopeful it will make it through this.
Minding my mind 