Memories

Memories are experiences we had throughout our lives. Most have been distorted over time, and our recall is really based on how we want to remember them. Even worse, when they are shared memories. One person can remember a night of laughs while another recalls drunken misery.

I read once that a memory is held together by a string in our mind and the string is pulled when we are triggered to recall that time that was once our present moment (not verbatim, obviously). I think this is another factor that can distort the memory because what is the trigger recalling it? The present situation is creating a situation, whether good or bad, that pulls on that string. If you are with a person that you laughed with that night, the recall could be good. If you are with a person that was a drunken mess, your recall won’t be as joyful.

I have been thinking a lot about my situation with MMV and how the past influenced my actions creating my meltdown. I removed all of the joy from the past one and half years with her and only focused on imaginary scenarios brought on from old, tattered strings in my past. I am ashamed of myself for allowing this to happen and I need to refocus on letting go of those memories so they cannot bring that kind of stress into my life again.

It’s been a week since the incident and it’s the longest I have gone without interacting with her. It feels like months and I am miserable. Showering, shaving, getting dressed, and living have become a chore I don’t wish to do. I know this is not the best behavior for anyone mentally or physically, but the reflection time has been useful. I think tomorrow morning, I will return to the gym and continue working on my mental health.

When I am ready to talk to MMV, I want to make sure I am clear, not scatter-brained.