Loss

By definition loss has many meanings, but at a time like this only one comes close to being appropriate. “The harm or privation resulting from loss or separation.”Privation is the act of depriving and quite frankly, another word for loss.
In 2008, Papa was introduced to me after his recent 2nd birthday. My cousin’s brother-in-law, because of all the misunderstanding of pit bull type dogs, could not find an apartment and needed temporary housing. I was very reluctant, because less than two years before I had lost my German Shepard, Nico, and it crushed me. I did not want to go through it again.
Here we are 13 years later because Papa decided to lay on my couch and not get up, we had quite the journey. He had saved me from myself more times than I care to remember and we had an unusual bond that I just cannot explain. I knew he was misunderstood and I could never really convey that to people. He just wanted to be loved, I guess that maybe our bond was in that. We were both misunderstood our entire lives.
There were other dogs to enter the home and make things complicated at times and joyful others. They had all passed before Papa. He was a survivor! Five years ago, he was struggling on the steps and was at the average lifespan of his breed. I was afraid that was it, but I didn’t give up hope. I heard about helpful CBD was for dogs, so I figured I would give it a shot. Well, within a week, he was running up and down the stairs again and acting like that two year old that ran into my house and jumped on the couch.
I was elated and so thankful. Well, roughly two months ago, the struggle on the stairs returned and even with an increase in the mg of CBD, there was no improvement. His attitude was still great and he was as excited as ever. Fast forward to roughly 2 weeks ago and the appetite was not what it was, he didn’t have the urgency to get off the bed, he stayed in separate rooms from me.
I knew the time had come. I laid with him, stood by him outside just to take in the air and occasional sun, I tossed snow on him and rubbed his belly often.
This past Thursday, as planned, Papa was laid to rest and it has been a most difficult time for me. I was prepared and I’m thankful for the 13 years, of his 15 that he spent with me. He had lived twice the average for his breed. He brought joy to not just me, but so many people and even made my neighbor into a dog person that now has one for him and his daughter.
I never thought about our relationship and how special it was until he was no longer part of my life. We shared so much in our life, more than just time. It goes back to that being misunderstood. We were so much alike and all those nights we just laid next to each other and stared, I now wonder if he saw what I did and that is why he was able to help me as much as he did.
No, that bond was more than a best friend, it was something indescribable. I am starting to understand that loss and the meaning above. There is no harm, but there is a loss, I am deprived of even feeling loss, I am just empty!